Hey lovelies, welcome back to my page. During your typical tv show births, there is never any mention of the placenta. Where the hell is the placenta? Whether the baby pops out in the back of a car, or in a phone box, or in a hospital bed clearly not soaked in amniotic fluid, once the cord is cut the placenta is forgotten. The ‘newborn’ baby (who is always miraculously clean, at least 10lb and never has a cone-head or forceps bruising) is handed over and everybody gets on with their day.
I blame tv shows entirely for my ignorance around this, and my look of bewilderment when the midwife asked if I wanted the injection to get things moving afterwards. What do you mean there’s more? Unsurprisingly I also didn’t know that the placenta could fail to deliver and get stuck. Yes, that happened and I ended up with a kind nurse pulling on my placenta and rupturing it leaving me to bleed so much I nearly died.
The recovery from childbirth is immediate (after a quick waddle and wince). While we’re here walking like John Wayne for a good couple of weeks with stitches and bruises. There is no mad dash to The store to stock up on maternity pads or six weeks of avoiding car seat lifting post-section. That said, who needs a car seat? They don’t venture further than the 500 square metres surrounding the house.
Another thing is the baby never seems to have has reflux. Colic is mentioned in passing, as they all head off for another child-free drink at the local pub. Nobody says ‘Fucking hell, have you seen the sofa? There’s tons of vomit stains on the cushions again.’ Or ‘Why are her neck folds so crusty?’
If the characters suffer from depression they turn into murders or try to kill someone else and get locked up. Maybe even steal someone else’s baby no one ever suffers from the baby blues or has post partum anxiety and depression like we do in real life I sure as hell didn’t have a clue what that meant even with my second daughter.
Nobody is ever sat on the sofa with their boobs out and everybody is armed with a bottle and steriliser from day one, which I find surprising. In real life, some people bottle feed, some people breastfeed. Of course, this isn’t real life (the residents of your average street or town don’t enjoy every hot drink in a café and every cold one in a pub) but still, surely amongst the bottles somebody could be tucking into their chippy while having a child stuck to their boob or juggling the chippy holding a bottle to their babies mouth.
The toddlers on tv shows rarely behave like arseholes. You never see them laying on the floor of the supermarket or having a tantrum leaving the park having to be bodily lifted to the car getting bribed with ice cream if they just shut up and behave. Sometimes these tv show children even hold onto an adult’s hand and stand quietly while a conversation about adultery or pre-mediatated murder of a family member goes on around them. Where are the ‘Mummy, mummy MUMMY’ interruptions and demands for My little pony or to play Angry Birds on the iPhone?
Equally, these kids only ever come out with boring stuff. Like ‘can you read me a story?’ as they blatantly look at the camera crew and wonder who the fuck the stranger is masquerading as their dad. They never shout, ‘mummy farted or ask Alexa what the fox said (“Fraka-kaka-kaka-kaka-kow!” if you’re wondering).
Clearly, I have too much time on my hands because despite all of this, I bloody love my tv shows I just wish they would show a little more of real life than all the fake stuff and let us in on how it’s really going to be having children instead of luring us into false pretences that it’s all rainbows and butterflies well because it’s bluddy anything but in my opinion.