Hello lovlies, welcome back to my page. Yip I said it children are assholes, after having children for 13 years I’ve definitely come to the realisation that its not only adults that are assholes in this world our lovable tiny humans are just as bad! here are my top ten reasons why I think our children are tiny assholes!!
1. They almost always call your bluff. Your at the park, when you threaten to leave (‘Come ON sweetie, it’s time to go, I will go without you. BYE THEN’), they then shoot you a look that says ‘You do that, mum’ as they wander off back towards the swing set. You then have to face the indignity of re-tracing your steps back through the gate and resorting to the Lift and Drag technique while they scream like you are a stranger stealing them from the park. Then the parents of well-behaved children sit and pretend not to look but in reality they’re sitting there judging every move you make.
2. They ALWAYS overhear and repeat only the bad stuff. Ask them to recite the alphabet, or numbers 1-10, they then become selectively deaf. But you accidentally let the swear guard down due to some asshole driver and be faced with ‘FUCK’S SAKE, man!’ clear as day for all to hear. Yes please come in, Social Services do you want a cuppa?.
3. They ALWAYS seem lie down on the floor. In public. This little trick means they always have one up on you because they don’t care what people think. They will go completely stiff and refuse to stand so you have to pick them up and carry them out of the supermarket by their dungarees (yes this happened). Later you will realise you forgot to get the milk when you go for that saviour that is a hot cup of tea.
4. They refuse to eat the food you give them. You offer one last chance to start eating it properly before it goes in the bin. They don’t want it. It goes in the bin. They do want it. *go to the toilet and silently scream* You then have to make more food too feed them.
5. They give away ALL your secrets. When asked ‘hey sweetheart what did you do today?’ they ignore any of the activities where you actually tried to be a good parent like play with them, go to the park instead they come out with (mummy was naked and farted hahaha) why?!!
6. They always have to poo at the most inconvenient times. Regardless of whether they are still in nappies or need your help to use the toilet, they save any poo action for other people’s houses. Or the dentists office half way through your filling yip also happened.
7. They manipulate bribes like a hostage-taker. Many deals are agreed with my daughters on the basis they’ll get a treat or money now I have a teen a magazine isn’t good enough anymore. ‘Never reward a tantrum’ they say. Of course, we all agree in principle. But after zero sleep, a stressful trip to the shops and a potentially explosive tantrum bomb about to go off in the docters, I have been known to whisper ‘stop whinging and you can have a treat.’
8. They cry because they are tired. But won’t go to sleep. Enough said.
9. They keep all the bad behaviour for you, and are positively angelic for everybody else. This means that to the outside world, you appear to be fabricating the horror of living with this tiny human to friends and family and they say ‘But they’re always so well behaved for us!’ haha f**k off!!
10. After all of this, they look like angels when they are sleeping, or when they give you a cuddle and say “love you mummy”, you forgive all the bad bits and accept they will be the cause of headaches and nightmares for the next 18 years.
Assholes they may just be, but they are our Assholes. As much as they push us to our limits sometimes daily we couldn’t live without them!!!
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